I am barely Proverbs 31ing it

When it comes to how we operate as a couple, how we run our household, and how we exist as a family, the little things are extremely important to us. A simple post-it note with our code word (what? you don't have one with your loverpants, too?), a text when I'm standing in line at the post office, a sink of dishes cleaned without supplication --these rule the Loverpants school.

So when I examine the things that I have been especially begrudging lately, this is what I see:

How am I to be faithful in large matters, like raising a child that doesn't just know it's wrong to keep turning the dial of the vending machine with all the slime globes in it even though one knows they're going to keep coming out for free because the machine is BROKEN. I want my kid to know it's wrong and therefore, to do the right thing. Which is what I should have done in the lobby of Kmart in 1989 when my mother was still checking out her Laura Ashley towels at the register.

How can I be faithful in the big matters when I am so whiney in the little matters? How can I accept and be diligent in the tasks that this world so needs to be done when I am throwing a hissy to match up my own socks?

I think about Proverbs 31 --the chapter I made a part of my vows, my anthem for our marriage, our household, our family. It describes a woman who is so lofty compared to me. She never complains. She gets up early without being a total bearcub about it. She tills her garden. She probably matches up all her socks and those of her kids.

I read this recently and I realized what I was missing.

King Lemuel describes an amazing woman in the last chapter of Proverbs. It would profit every Christian wife to read this chapter often. She is a talented woman. In fact, she even helps with the income.¹⁰¹ It is not wrong for a wife to pursue a career if it does not interfere with her domestic responsibilities. Judging from all that she does for her family, the ideal woman of Proverbs 31 is an industrious, self-disciplined woman who schedules her time carefully. Nothing is too much trouble for her. She even rises before daybreak to prepare breakfast for her family.¹⁰² One word is probably more important than any other in the passage. It is the word that describes her sustaining attitude: “She worketh willingly with her hands.”¹⁰³¹⁰⁴

The literal meaning is “with pleasure.” Her deepest joy and satisfaction is found in making her family happy. You see, the Lord is interested not only in what we do, but also in how we do it. Our attitude matters to Him. When a Christian wife is yielded to Christ she will be able to accept her God-given role joyfully, and her husband’s heart will cry “Amen” when he reads the words, “The man who finds a wife finds a good thing; she is a blessing to him from the Lord!”

I may not find pleasure in the actual work of the little things, but the little things do amount to something much bigger than socks and spilled milk and the total crap job I do of cleaning the bathroom every. single time. But I can find pleasure in knowing that the love I have for my family is manifested in some fractional way by the instance of my refilling the toilet paper, and even if my family doesn't thank me for it, Someone Upstairs is pleased with me. Nothing says loving.

Martha of My Domain

I've been feeling very satisfied about my roles as desperate housewife and baby wrangler this week. I wish I could tell you it is because I had been reflecting on the call of Titus 2 to be a keeper of my home, or that I've retrofitted a jacuzzi into my bathroom, or that Baby Girl is walking all because of my patient lead. But the real reason is because I was reading the gospel according to Martha while I was in Michigan. And now Martha is all up in my head.

Martha is not someone that I suspect many of us look at and think, "Well, if Martha can do that, then surely so can I!" We all know that she operates with a team of elf people prepping her kitchen and tilling her farm in the Hamptons and making sure she has full bottles of toner to keep her Botoxy forehead looking all smooth and supple. Rather, I imagine that most of you all are like I am and look at her and wonder: If I had what she has, would I still do it like she does?

Or would I sit back in my yoga pants clearing out the DVR while eating Twizzlers for lunch and still have traces of yesterday's mascara smudged around my eyes?

I'd like to think that I would at least attempt to live upright like Martha, if I had all that help. But since I don't, I try to steal germs of what I believe to be her lifestyle. At least the life that she purports to live, BECAUSE MAGAZINES DON'T LIE, YOUNG.

I was really inspired by how clean she tries to keep her office(s). So this week I've been cleaning up the kitchen before I endeavor to do any other shenanigans. I cleaned out the science experiments in the fridge. I've tried to have the kitchen table cleared before Lovey Loverpants get home. I've also really tried to live out the "no time like the present" with my other chores. And you know what? I don't have as much dread about all that I have to do, because I've been kissing all the ugly frogs first and then the rest of the details all look like handsome princes.

I know this sounds so fundamental, so big fat DUH to many of you, but I've been stuck for a couple months on what I esteem to be my duties and what I feel are things that eventually someone will get to, at some point. When a black guy becomes president. Oh snap that's NOW!

I'm amazed that something like an article in a magazine for hypermanic domestics could help me to refocus my priorities and realize that it's not all about me. I want a clean home so that I and everyone else I love that lives in it or visits it will feel at ease. It's so basic, but yet so hard to realize internally and then to master.

If you'll excuse me now. I need to see if we have any Twizzlers for lunch.

Education

We had a couple over last weekend whom I very much respect. I look to their counsel on many things, particularly about marriage and child-rearing. We stumbled onto the topic of education, and the fellow said that he was very glad to have placed his children in Adventist Christian schools because, he contended, they give the kids so much more than public schools, and then he said something that probably shouldn't have surprised me. He implied that he was glad that his children weren't getting the public school's lesson on "gay people."

And I thought to myself, Wow. Because that's not my goal at all.

I've been thinking about education, and what really are my goals for my child's education. It's so important, and I feel that it's never too early to start thinking intentionally about it. So here are my thoughts thus far.

My chief goal as it stands is to give my child a foundation in the Bible. It is not something that I had, even though I attended Catholic schools for twelve years. I developed a cursory knowledge of some Bible stories, and I can recite the Apostle's Creed and obscure Marian prayers to sweep the category on "Jeopardy!," but until I began studying the Bible in my early twenties, I really didn't have a sense that the Bible could guide my life. I believe the Bible is God's word and that it is a trustworthy guide by which to live my life. I would like to share this belief with my child.

It is for this reason that I don't have a particular soapbox about whether or not to send my child to private, public, Christian or non-sectarian schools. Because I intend for her to know that beyond any earthly teacher, the Bible is the greatest authority for teaching. I know that many parents want to shelter their children from different viewpoints, be they about homosexuality, evolution, and other world religions. That is diametrically opposed to my educational goals for my child. I do not intend to nor do I want to shelter my child from the diversity of opinions, lifestyles, and belief systems that exist in our world. But I want to know that I have given my child a compass through which to navigate her way through these things.

I myself had this. My parents were not always available, but I knew how to access them when I had moral dilemmas. They often taught me to fight my own battles and sometimes I don't think this was necessary. I was young and inexperienced and sometimes I think I needed more compassion than I received from them. But I definitely knew that my parents could help me when I needed it.

I want my child to know that her parents are there for her to help her to navigate the moral landscape of her life. But beyond that, I want her to know that sometimes her parents are going to be wrong. Which is why a solid foundation in the Bible is important.

I have heard Christian parents say that they could not imagine sending their children off to spend 8 hours with a teacher Monday through Friday, which is why they homeschool. I respect their right to think this. I, however, do not view this as a valid argument to homeschool my child. I think this negates the fact that professional educators may offer our children something that we, as parents, cannot. I do not attempt to fix my car, nor do I purport to know everything about Mandarin, multiplication, mitosis. I hire a mechanic to fix my car. It seems only logical that I would also seek the knowledge of a professional to educate my child in subjects in which I am not familiar. Moreoever, I think that a formal school environment offers children a sense of the order of the world, that having to sit in neat rows and remembering to bring the right spiral notebook to class and dealing with playground bullies are all life skills that help to shape the character and helped me to accept that the world does not revolve around me. This is not to say that homeschooling does not have much to offer in terms of character building, but based on my experience in formal schools, I cannot imagine where I would have learned certain life skills that continue to guide me in the workplace, in church, and in my relationships if not for having attended formal school.

I accept that I am still very naive about educating a child. I know that parents do not always have the luxury of years and years to make decisions about their child's education. But I am hopeful that raising our child in an environment where her parents often study the Bible, where church is an important place not only institutionally but relationally, and also where her parents are clear collaborators with other teachers, that she will appreciate the decisions we have made towards her education.

I know that this is a controversial matter, and I hope that I have not been insensitive to any of your experiences in making difficult decisions about education. I look forward to hearing your thoughts!