Chipmunk walks into a bar. err. Bedroom.

The little man who lives with me, the one who, if whining were a full-time job would be making six figures, was napping on the floor of my in-laws' bedroom yesterday afternoon. I was also in a similar position on the floor when I looked up to see a chipmunk bounding across the carpet, toward the bathroom. The chipmunk did not appear to be running from anything or anyone. Rather, it gamboled across the room like a schoolgirl excitedly returning home with an "A" on her astronomy test. Yipee! Got 'em all right! And that Pluto question didn't trip her up! No sir! NOT a planet no mo'!

I knew immediately it was a chipmunk, as I am practically a woodland creature expert having grown up in the arboreal 'burbs of the Mid-west, and yet I kept examining the chipmunk because I knew I was going to have to report to my father-in-law that there was a chipmunk in his house and I needed to be absolutely certain that this was not another rodent or similar cavorting pestilence. There was no doubt this was a descendent of Uncles Chip and Dale, however. The spots and the lack of long tail and the gambol. Definitely a member of the species chippus munkeitus.

[showmyads]

An all out pursuit of the speckled li'l imposter ensued once my father-in-law finally accepted that this wasn't just a white girl calling a runaway hamster a chipmunk. My father-in-law rooted through the closets and under clothespiles and under beds. He saw the creature, and as Loverpants said, "Well, two people have seen it, so I guess that means it was really a chipmunk."

Hours later, my father-in-law said he saw the chipmunk escape once he opened the garage door.

I'm going to trust that this house is now chipmunk-free, lest I be tempted to reenact that scene with the little old woman and the shotgun in Ratatouille.

When the chipmunk (or one of his other squatter friends--perish the thought!) finally exited the building, I thought about how uncommon this experience was.

Not only the part about the chipmunk. But the part about the problem exiting the way it came in.

***

A diagnosis comes, a check bounces.  We are eager to be on the other side of this mess. We want to know the way out. But often in the dark theater of our lives, the glowing EXIT sign is a misnomer. It is a door that leads right back into the same dark theater, unless we can figure out how we got there in the first place.

How often do we struggle with something that is of our own making, or of our own invitation? When we have stress, do we often cast the blame on situations beyond our control? Or do we examine the landscape and see that we very much built the buildings casting shadows, and paved the roads that are now filled with potholes.

The chipmunk got into the house for reasons unknown but surely guessed: a pattern of careless door closing, a clandestine opening in the attic. It got out, but it could once again scare the ever living snot out of me tomorrow unless conscious changes are made.

***

My children borrow phrases from the Rescue Bots, the new, significantly more demented generation of Transformers. They sing the theme songs in their idle moments. They reenact scenes for me. And I struggle to remember whether I paid my credit card bill this month but I can bust out the entire rhyme of "Miss Suzy had a Steamboat" at the drop of a dime.

I can't unlearn or unsee or unhear some things rattling around inside of me. My children, their spongey minds and hearts ready to absorb everything around them (except my pleas to brush their teeth), are no different. For now, I can still generally audit most of the material they are absorbing. I still feel convicted to guard these little ones' hearts more vigilantly. Turns out that chipmunk got in he hasn't quite left yet. Not from my head at least.

Chipmunk at Campground of Dead Horse Point State Park, 05/1972  

Where all the bologna about fertility stops.

[showmyads] When someone raises the topic of fertility, my reflex is to either figuratively or literally cup my hands over my ears and say in an obnoxious sing-songy way, "LALA LALALA CANNOT HEAR YOU, HAVE NO INTEREST, LALALALA CHECK PLEASE." Because talking turkey about fertility, with anyone, at any time, generally falls into two buckets.

The first is the Hyper-Vigilant Bucket. Fertility talk in this bucket is usually about timing and regulating and monitoring and waking up to check temperatures and peeing on PH sticks and charting and doing all manner of things that make me nervous. I'm nervous talking about this vigilance about fertility because it seems competitive. Like a biology lab report on which one is trying to get an A. Yet, I understand that many, many men and women are forced to become hyper-vigilant about fertility because leaving it to chance has not netted the desired results. I get this and I am sensitive to it. But I wonder if all of our resources, online and otherwise, have not created a more vigilant than necessary monitoring of fertility and ovulation and ultimately serves to make us more nervous than we ought to be. By nature I am not a list maker, an organizer, someone who knows where to find a ruler, someone who refers to charts or maintains them unless forced to do so. Hyper-vigilant Fertility talk gives me agita because it is anathema to the way I choose to do things.

The second is the Hocus Pocus Bucket. Fertility talk in this bucket is based on nonsense. Old wives tales. Research conducted before electricity, before birth control pills. Fertility talk herein is treated as something that one can control by avoiding certain maladies, like sitting on a cold bench or floor, or eating too much cheese.

Young and Pregnant

*** The day I turned 26, I cried the entire day. There were brief interludes where I stopped crying. I spent the day in fetal position convinced that I was going to have a very difficult road to getting pregnant.

The pathetic truth about my 26th birthday is that I had not even tried to get pregnant. I was just convinced, based on my health history, and based on the ninnies at church who looked askance at me, married for a whole year and not yet pregnant, that I was going to be an epic fertility fail.

Six months later I was pregnant. I do not wax boastfully about my fertility or good fortune. If anything, I grieve continuously with those whose fertility journeys have been challenged or anguished by very real struggles. I know the private pain they carry is often too heavy to bear, to face the cruelty of another day. Conception and pregnancy have not been complicated ordeals for me, except in my own head. I was convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that I would be cursed. Based on what the Fertility Buckets had poured into me.

Suprise Yr Pregnant

***

I have grappled with the nuances of Fertility Talk on my own until I read this article in this month's Atlantic Monthly. Absolutely everyone who is poised to have a baby or have a conversation about having a baby should read this article. The author goes to the raw source of data that has informed much of our fertility knowledge in the industrialized world. The data will astound you. After discussing the article with a friend who is in in her early thirties, she said, she felt so relieved and so much more peaceful about the future. And oddly, so did I. Even though my fertility journey feels over. At least for now. I felt more peaceful because of the truth of the article and because of the lack of competition it fostered. Fertility is not a sport or a magic trick. It is a blessing from which many more blessings may flow, and possibly for many more years than was once thought.

Warning:  Pregnant Woman

If you read the article, what did you think?

The Wonder Years

The wisdom of the sitcom series "The Wonder Years," now streaming on Netflix for my procrastination enjoyment, is the parallel between the main character Kevin Arnold's coming-of-age and the U.S. as a young nation navigating some tumultuous times. If this were a literary essay, I would generously bandy about the words bildungsroman and juxtapose so that I sound very proffy indeed.

But this is not for a grade.

[showmyads]

As I rewatch Kevin Arnold fumble as an adolescent, scored by his retrospective as an adult, I see how the opposite is mostly true for me. I was not a young person who stammered or who minced words. I look back at my younger life and I regret more the things I said than the things left unspoken. As Jane Austen writes in Sense and Sensibility (This is not a literary essay? Surrrre, Kennndra.), I didn't know how to govern my tongue. I was blunt and often biting. I thought sarcasm was a high shelf brand of humor, rather than the lowest form.

There was one time in high school, in particular, when there was a boy who was interested in me, and let's be honest, I think he was interested in getting some action, which--c'mon. Barking up the wrong tree, bro.

He dropped me off after taking me to a horror film (1-800-CLICHE) and I think he was expecting something from me. So, I said. "Yeah, I think I'm gonna go inside because I just put flannel sheets on my bed."

Which to him probably meant, Oh, you guys, I can't even imagine.

But I was just over here, YAAAY, I'll be warm and toasty in my flannels all night long!

That relationship sort of fizzled a couple weeks later. What I congratulate myself for that time was a resolve to just be true to myself.

This has not been the problem, however. Being true to who I am has not been my struggle. It is more the words that I have used to convey the truths that have been so troubling. There are so many words I wish I could catch with a butterfly net and cast back into the ocean. I trust that my God can do the work I am not able to do....

kendrahighschoolgrad

Take a wild guess --who am I? ***

Yesterday Baby Girl and I were talking to one of the high schoolers who works at the gym. After the high school gal passed, Baby Girl implored, "Mama? I notice some spots on her face. Why are they still there?" I asked if she meant freckles. "No, they're red." Ah. Those are called zits, I explained, and I said that sometimes people's skin gets them but then they go away.

That was probably a poor explanation. Seriously, it was all I could do not to say, OH honey. Mommy's skin is still an oilspill in her twirties. Do you SEE this? But one thing struck me. My girl asked me privately as to the blemishes of another. There was so much wisdom in that moment and I wanted to place my girl on a conveyer belt headed toward adulthood and say, Just stay on this track of judicious and well-timed words, my sweet one. And just step to the right if others need to get by.

But she's still has a few wonder years ahead of her to figure all that out. I just pray that those who stand in front of her continue to keep her on track. And I pray that she'll allow herself to look back every now and again from whence she came.