We both would have graduated this past May.
My brother-in-law Joe and his wife Shannon visited this past weekend. We were counting the number of times Joe had visited Boston. We couldn't figure out why he had come alone several years back for no reason. To walk around the city by himself. Then we remembered -- it was for his interview for the PsiD program. He didn't get in. He was only 21 at the time. But I am sure Joe was bummed like anyone would be, tossing up all of your hopes for the future and hoping they all land in a lofty basket. A few months later, he came back to Boston and I remember Joe was not himself; he was abnormally ambivalent at his brother's grad school graduation. I can imagine the thoughts running through his head. How can I reach my destination if I'm standing in one place? How can I start my journey if I can't even find the starting line?
***
This May I would have graduated from law school. If I had not freaked out a month before our wedding and decided this was not what I wanted, at least not now. I was on a path, my feet were already in the starting position. But I was about to leave Lovey Loverpants in the dust, and I knew it. My bosslady at the time - who was adamantly against advanced degrees - sidled up next to me one afternoon when I was making a bulletin board (I was a youth worker at a community center). This time, though, she wasn't bashing my B.A. "Don't you want to just enjoy your first year of marriage? You have the rest of your life to be miserable." The next week I told my father I would not be moving back to take over the family practice. I sent in my letter of declination. Lovey Loverpants and I looked at an apartment in Boston.
***
Joe became a campus minister. His first year was tough; at times, it was crash and burn, bearing the weight of student's troubles, learning to study the Bible intently after four years of a decidedly secular life. The next year things got political. But he had new outlets, including someone very special, someone with whom he saw "it happening."
***
After our honeymoon, I went back to my job as youth worker. A few months later, I started a series of jobs I would waffle between until I found a cushy full-time writing job. I would also start a part-time grad program, the perfect grad program for me.
***
Had we been graduating this May, I think it is safe to say there would be no Shannon wife, Shannon sister-in-law. There would have been no Joe/Shannon wedding, nor the trying to conceal the news that I was pregnant during their wedding. I would not have gotten pregnant. Joe would have gone to PhD school. I would have gone to JD school. I would have a closet full of beautiful suits, a stacked resume, a husband who had held his breath for me to finish school, and a heavy burden to put my degree to work instead of becoming someone's mother. It would have been my life and it would have been a fine life, but I still think my bosslady was right. I've got the rest of my life to be miserable, which in her mind was synonymous with attending law school. For now, this seems like the right path, especially since I've got some excellent traveling companions.
***
Shannon and Baby Girl. Two people I may have never met.
