Vows not seen in the NYT

The only way to read the Sunday NYT is to dart right for the Sunday Styles section. Otherwise you are dead inside or you are illiterate, or possibly both. Maybe you take a quick scan of whether or not you know anyone in the "Vows" pages. (I never do.)(I was born in the Midwest.)(I think these parenthetical facts are related.) Maybe you snicker at the brazen journalist who capped off the profile on one couple-to-be-wed, "The groom's previous two marriages ended in divorce." What would the hashtag for that one be? #bestwishes #threesacharm These little profiles are always so unapologetically namedroppy and vomitus. Yet they are also a rare celebration of union, against the wails of the thousands who have lost loved ones in the Phillippines this week, against the din of celebrity break-ups of the hour.

But what if they told the real story, gave us the real scoop. Here's how ours would read:

Kendra Stanton, the daughter of a redheaded mother and a silver-haired father, was married on Sunday to John Lee, the son of Mija and Jae. None of the parents have amassed great fortunes due to their Ivy league educations, though if filing taxes on time made one a rock star, these people would be a bunch of Mick Jaggers. In fairness, Kendra's father is a lawyer but prefers to reference his glory days working the steampress at Schoolbells school uniform suppliers, when he was 18.

Ms. Stanton, 24, is a serial jobhopper who is not living up to her potential and is accruing credit card debt rapidly, probably because she keeps reinvesting her profits from her part-time retail job into her wardrobe since her full-time job working with at-risk youth is making her depressed about the state of humanity. It's better than eating her feelings, because, hello, wedding dress fitting in two days! She graduated magna cum laude from a small liberal arts college on a hill that is highly obscure. She no longer remembers her major. Her parents are no longer married. They have never taken her to Europe. She doesn't know it yet but she will not be taken off the waitlist at her top law school, so she won't go after all.

Mr. Lee, 26, is an anomaly: a male, Canadian-born Korean social worker who likes fashion, frisbee and football and loves Jesus. He might actually be the only one. Like, on earth. He earned his MSW from a college that happens to be all-women for undergraduate, which was not as much of a problem as one would imagine. In his own undergraduate years, he was not the most stunning student. He did swim all four years and has the wristwatch to prove it. His parents own a dental lab, which is a useful thing for a variety of reasons, particularly for making free mouthguards for future daughters-in-law who develop TMJ for unknown reasons.

It sounds like a headline from the Onion

Woman applies for new Tennessee driver's license and receives it twenty minutes later. I know. That sounds like some impossible headline from The Onion. Like when the Supreme Court said, "Same-sex Marriage? Big Whoop. Who cares?" That was a funny headline from the spoof site.

But I bluff you not. I actually departed work today to go obtain my state driver's license, which I should have done two years and two months ago but somehow didn't (see also: unpleasant chore avoidance). Instead I flashed my Massachusetts card with pride, long after I owned real estate there.

You can imagine my dread, having this long overdue task ahead of me to complete in the middle of the work week, on Sept. 11 no less, and then 20 minutes later I receive it. In fact, they were calling my number BEFORE I had the whole application filled out. The!!

So, to review:

• I didn't arrive first thing as I was supposed to.
• My MA driver's license was due to expire so something was guaranteed to go wrong in the next week.
• I had to go straight from work which means I had to take the motorino which means I was probably going to crash on my way to get my driver's license because my life is that ironic.
• It's the Department of Motor Vehicles for crying out loud.
• All the employees were totally courteous.
• I had all the right documentation, despite fact that I can't find anything of importance ever but still find the user's manual to the baby swing that we gave away 3 years ago.
• I got my driver's license in less time than it sometimes takes to buy post-it notes at Rite-Aid.
• TWENTY MINUTES, PLAYERS!

I believe this is proof that either the Cleveland Indians are going to win the World Series this year or Jesus' return is very imminent. Possibly both.

Kiddie Birthday Parties: Can we be real here?

I know, I know. Don't pee in the pool ya swim in. I'm taking a risk here, sharing my true feelings about children's birthday parties. My children are still quite young. They stand a fighting chance of getting invited to another birthday party in their lives. So why does their cranky mama have to go all Birthday Scrooge right now, on the internets? Well if any of our friends are reading this, nota bene: I am not talking about your party. I'm speaking globally about a few things that have been making me itch.

Thing the First about the Children's Birthday: Please don't make me RSVP by calling your phone number. Please make provision on the invitation for us awkward types to either send you a text message or respondez s'il vous plait by e-mail. Your child is in my kid's class. We have only met briefly, when I was trying to catch up on Suri Cruise's fashion forecast in the grocery aisle and you were trying to use a coupon and our kids were trying to introduce us, but c'mon. Suri Cruise. Coupons for Mr. Clean. Priorities.

Thing the Second: If your invitation includes a gift registry, I will totally comply but the whole time I will be thinking, "B-b-b-but, what will our children have to look forward to when they get married???" They will be all jaded and won't experience the thrill of saying, Do we go for the Lenox pie slicer or is OXO going to cut it (literally) for us? What the hay! Someone else is buying! Let's go top shelf! Scan!

[showmyads]

Thing the Third: If the venue of your child's birthday party involves any manner of inflatable jumping apparatus or fuzzy characters that walk around and throw tickets? I am totally sending my husband to chaperone. If I have to go, I might have to hide in the corner and bite my sleeve while whimpering something about how I almost drowned in the ball jump in McDonald's playland in 1984 and maybe that's what happened to Grimace and the Fry Burgler, too. Has anyone checked on them?

Thing the Fourth: If you invite the whole class as well as your neighborhood, extended family and the stepfather of the dog of your pilates instructor's mail carrier, you are just going to have to accept that your kid is going to cry at his/her own party. Maybe not even because he/she wants to. Because that crowd would overwhelm a politician.

Thing the Fifth: It is always helpful when invitations state whether food will be served at the party. For example, if you will be serving gummi worms, cupcakes, doughnuts, ice cream, and Girl Scout cookies with a Yoohoo chaser, followed by a pinata full of Jolly Ranchers and a send-off with the s'mores and choco-dipped goodie bags, I just like to know so I can be prepared for the diabetic coma into which my children will slip later that night. Know before you go, and all that.

I guess that about covers it. I know these are all First World requests and that every birthday celebration is a sweet one, marking the passing of another year of the life of a child who is healthy enough to celebrate.

Healthy enough to celebrate and eat a Ring Pop and open lotsa gifts.

Just be careful if you go near that ball jump, kids.

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