RIP Bernie Macbook, Jr. #mac

Bernie MacBook Jr. passed away the evening of Sunday, January 6, 2014 in his home, surrounded by loved ones. MacBook Jr. is survived by his owners, the FamiLee. He is the son of the late Bernie MacBook Sr. MacBook Jr. arrived to the home of the FamiLee in Boston in 2010. He was adopted by the FamiLee through the Macintosh Refurbished program; his birth family remains unknown. As one of the first iterations of the MacBooks, he was proud to have served as a heavyweight champion of his class, crushing the likes of iPads and MacBook Airs. MacBook Jr. served in the U.S. Armed Forces against Malware and never retired from active duty. He earned his master's degree in Facebook and also scored three virtual golden trophies in the final round of Princess Enchantment Castle on GirlsGoGames.com. He served as a portal for countless awkward conversations with in-laws via Skype and his reserves for awkward family photo documentation were boundless. By far his crowning achievement was allowing Kendra to write her memoir, FamiLee on his software; MacBook Jr. will no doubt smile from Compooper Heaven once the book is published.

Many tears have been shed at the untimely demise of Bernie MacBook Jr.; the FamiLee is still experiencing great waves of grief. A quick scan of their web searches indicate the FamiLee is still soundly in the first stage of denial. Arrangements have not yet been made for MacBook Jr.'s burial. In lieu of flowers, please send Kendra a chai latte as she copes with the loss of her beloved Bernie MacBook Jr.

Chai Latte for Kendra

Caring for the Grammar Purist in Your Life

The Holidays are the hardest time of a year for a grammar purist. It can be especially exhausting to care for the grammar purist in your life as he/she copes with descriptive grammar everywhere. The omnipresence of improper punctuation is also a trigger.

For example, have you ever considered "Season's Greetings" if improperly punctuated? To a grammar purist, this is pure psychological warfare. What if the card were to say Seasons Greetings? As in a plural set of seasons are busily greeting. The grammar purist immediately embarks upon the following journey of images:

As you care for the grammar purist in your life, you may want to note common places where grammar impurity is tolerated, in order to help your purist not have a conniption fit. You may see him/her writhing in pain at the simple opening of a letter. SO many Christmas cards with, for example, "The Higgenbottom's" as return address. THE HIGGENBOTTOMS. PLURAL. NOT POSSESSIVE. You may hear him/her muttering, as he/she reads another Christmas letter ad nauseum:

"It's 'This year was special for my family and ME.' ME. I is not a direct object pronoun or even an indirect object pronoun!!!"

Understand that mumbled grammatical lessons to an unsuspecting or even an invisible audience is normal behavior for a grammar purist, particularly for this time of year. As long as the grammar purist stays in a healthy zone of the didactic, rather than the preachy or even violent, he/she should emerge from the holiday season with sanity intact.

Although difficult to avoid, you should try your best to steer your grammar purist away from shopping malls where signage with grammar impurities run rampant. Lest your grammar purist be compelled to correct every sign hastily printed:

Loving your grammar purist can be a thorny business as you endure their spastic, oftentimes inconsolable tantrums over seemingly inconsequential  matters. However, your abiding is appreciated and will reap plenty of rewards in the new  year when he/she is back to helping you edit your cover letter for that new job you're about to snag. Yay, grammar purity!

How to Get your Boots Reheeled for the Holidays: 20 Easy Steps!

Step 1: Realize you are spending part of holidays in frozen tundra that is the Great Lakes region of United States. Step 2: Realize only suitable pair of footwear you own for holidays in North (that are not your puffy Keens which also double as spaceboots) are  pair of black heeled knee-highs, the heels of which are caked in mud and worn down to metal studs.

Step 3: Accept fact that must brave Sixth Ring of Dante's Inferno, aka The Mall A Week Before Christmas in order to drop off boots at cobbler.

Step 4: Tote Youngest Child to Mall Hell a Week Before Christmas where every temptation and glittering toy is on his eye-level display for greedily grubbily desiring.

Step 5: Concede as never have before in history to renting one of those Mall Carriages with the Car in Front for low low price of $5 for 25 minutes in order to pacify youngest child and not lose in crowd that is Mall Hall a Week before Christmas.

Step 5: Graciously deposit dilapidated boots with Korean cobbler. Speak in only known Korean pleasantries.

Step 6: Realize must return to Mall Hell the next day (T=6 days until Christmas) .

Step 7: Make beeline to Barnes and Noble while child still pacified by Most Expensive Plastic Car Rental in History.

Step 8: Read half a book in Barnes and Noble to younger child until realize only have 20 minutes to pick up older child from school.

Step 9: Drive like dickens back to return Plastic Car, trying not to contract hepatitis, scurvy, other communicable diseases from rental that smells and feels of partially hydrogenated oils fermenting on handlebars since 1994.

Step 10: Watch as child begs to be let out of Plastic Car like it is the Guantanamo Bay of child transportation vehicles.

Step 11: Return plastic rental.

Step 12: Return to Mall Hell next day to pick up boots, this time saddled with both children.

Step 13: Forewarn children this is a very brief one-errand trip that will not, by any means, include a stop at any play structure.

Step 14: Enter Sears; note reaction of children as though have just entered whimsically wonderland palace of wintry enchantment. oooohhhh ahhhhhh!

Step 15: Claim boots which are perfectly rehabilitated to former heeled age of innocence.

Step 16: Proceed to Mall Hall exit. Refuse to cave to indoor play structure's temptation. Note younger child pulling at seat of pants.

Step 17: Assume wrongly that a restroom can be found en route to exit.

Step 18: Find escalator to floor 1, find restroom. Cheat death by allowing youngest child to wear Crocs on escalator.

Step 19: Blink and suddenly younger child has managed not to pull down pants fully as seated on comode; gamely soaks underwear and pants with urine.

Step 20: Take escalator to second floor, pronounce fact that have both children, purse, and newly heeled boots a Christmas miracle.