3 things that are terribly unfair (see also: might die)

Hello, world. Remember how I was all ra-ra, dance like no one's watching yesterday about sugar maple trees? That must have been the Monday girl. Because today's blogger is in a bad way.

Terribly Unfair Thing the First All of my hair is falling out and I'm gaining weight like the wrong kind of loser on Biggest Loser and the mouth-breather on the other line at the doctor's office just waited on the line, snapping her gum, didn't even say hello? HELLO! I THINK MY THYROID IS BROKEN. Please to set up an appointment and please to not judge me on my insurance plan. Southern hospitality, my hat. Shoulda just bought the Groupon for hair loss treatment and called it a day.

Terribly Unfair Thing the Second Have you ever tried to contain a 4 year-old boy in a public place where running is not an option? Remember how well that went? Four year-old son was all thinking the velvet ropes at the bank were the Olympic bars and the whole space was basically set up for the 100 yard dash, right? So then you go and sign up for a Fun Run with the same lad. All the kool kats from school are there at the starting line. Runners take their makrs. Your son is wearing a fierce headband and the sun is shining and the atmosphere is equally sunny. YOU ARE GOING TO ROCK THIS RACE. Then your son, who is 100% Tasmanian Devil when not sleeping, cannot run. Everyone else is motoring around the race course and your son just wants to hold your hand and caboose it. He's walking so slow he's practically crawling. His face says, please carry me, his legs say, please seat me over there with the oxygen tank draggers. By the time you cross the finish line it is already time to file your taxes.

Terribly Unfair Thing the Third

I have spent the better part of the last week meeting with my Aflac rep (quack) and filing claims for my accident policy. I am way too young for this biz. Sadder still is how excited I am when I've successfully filed the claim. Like, I'm legit geeked when I get the message that "your claim is complete." If this is what dazzles me in my mid-twirties, what else is there to look forward to in life? Colonoscopies? Blockbuster sale on wheat germ at GNC? Ken Burns taking on Alan Greenspan for PBS?

Hand me that new Taylor Swift album. I just gotta shake off all this injustice...and #firstworldproblems

Brochure Copy - Walt Disney World Resort’s First Assisted Living Facility

“I came with my grandchildren and didn’t want to leave. No, I mean, literally. I couldn’t get back on the plane to Fort Wayne, so I figured, I’ll just put on some mouse ears and hang out here for awhile.” - Margaret, 68, patron to Walt Disney World (Summer 2013) and Golden Mousekevilla pioneer Maybe retiring to Mickey’s Clubhouse has been on your short list for years, or perhaps, like Margaret, you experienced the magic of Disney and just decided to stay...Whatever brings you here to the Golden Mousekevilla (GM), we hope you find this a supercallafragalistic setting in which to spend your golden years.

Why Disney? Our state-of-the art facilities combine first class service with Walt Disney theme park attractions. Within the sunny suburban setting of Orlando, GM offers enticing amenities for our most seasoned mouseketeers. Residents occupy their own private units, bedknobs and broomsticks, but enjoy the benefits of our public space designed by our Imagineers.

Our residential communities center around classic Disney film titles from the 1960s: Mary Poppins - for residents often tending to younger generations That Darn Cat! - our pet-loving community Babes in Toyland - a cheeky take on this winsome community of singles Absent-Minded Professor - for our residents demonstrating early signs of dementia Polyanna - for our cadre of idealists (coming 2018)

Each Neighborland community is tended to lovingly by our Landsculptors who coordinate shrubbery to each theme.

An Active Community Our neighborlands foster active lifestyles. Take a walk along the paths that lead to Main Street, U.S.A. Visit our main workout facility and try your senior strength on the Sword in the Stone, linger at our Pooh Corner resting areas, or train for the bobsled race in the Senior Olympics.*

Dining We cater to a cultured palette in our two main dining rooms, and our staff will accommodate your dietary needs. Just as our residents may have experienced on Disney Cruise Lines and in our WDW resorts, they are encouraged to wear their character apparel for chance sightings with Mickey, Goofy and Chip and Dale at all mealtimes.**

Medical Assistance The Doc McStuffins medical team are here to provide comprehensive care to our residents 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. On-call practitioners offer pharmaceutical support and our emergency response services are available to transport residents in our Aladdin ambulance to Florida Hospital. Alternatively, our team recognizes the importance of a spoonful of sugar to help that medicine go down.***

To schedule a tour of of Golden Mousekevilla for yourself or your favorite mousekesenior, cottage or townhouse, please call 1-800-RETIRE-DISNEY. Who says vacation has to end?

*as inspired by “Cool Runnings” (1993) - if Jamaica can have a bobsled team, so can Orlando! **Anna and Elsa are not anticipated at mealtimes, a fair warning to our youngest guests ***Imagineers plan to break ground on the Ten Thousand Leagues Under the Sea cemetery when GM reaches full residential occupancy. The graveyard outside of the Haunted Mansion at WDW will be used as our primary burial place in the meantime. However, plots at the Ten Thousand Leagues cemetery may be purchased to reserve your spot in advance.

*** The above is fiction. But fun to imagine, no?

Portrait Taker: Inquire within

I am seeking a photographer to capture a few portraits of me to be used for my website, business cards, and social media. Nothing spectacular. It's probably a 30 minute job. I'm just hoping to find someone who knows a few things about candids and lighting and composition. ***

I'm hoping he or she can cast me in light that is a little bit Maxfield Parrish painting, a little bit Thomas Kinkade. As a guide, I'd tell the photographer that the closer my skin looks to the texture and color of white rose petals, the better. I understand some photographers are also editors, so it would be excellent to hire one that could both shoot as well as Photoshop my hair from thin and overprocessed to more Shakira at the CMAs.  I'd like for my expression to be serious and subdued in a few of the shots, which are expressions I have never been capable of making, so the photographer should be well-read and practiced in the techniques suggested by "An Actor Prepares" by Constantin Stanislavsky. I would be especially interested to hire a photographer who could refract the sun's rays in such a way that my muffin top would look less "two pregnancies later" and more "Tracy Anderson Method." The general aura of the photos should be professional but also very glamorous, causing passersby to wonder if I am in fact both a published author as well as a supermodel spokeswoman for juicing.  I haven't yet decided on attire, so if the photographer could suggest an ensemble that would incorporate all the attire I pin to a Pinterest board called "In My Dreams," I would consider hiring him or her for a trial session. You know, to see what he or she's made of.

All interested photographers with 5-7 years of experience, please inquire within. Those expecting payment in American Dollars need not apply.