Generation X mother seeks professional handler to restage her life as Digital Native

Deprived of the social media network to document her every milestone (due to its regrettable non-existence during peak milestone gathering years), Generation X mother seeks a complete restaging of her life for the last 36 years in order to achieve parity with Digital Native Children she is raising. Willing to pay for services that include:

Backlog of photo documentation of the following feats: - fair compare of first and last days of school for each grade level, K-12 - close-up portraits upon the loss of each tooth; before/after of all orthodontic treatments - reveal of t-shirt sporting message “I’m a Big Sister” upon the birth of each younger sibling Note: All photo captions should be prefaced with, “And just like that…[she was a 4th grader/she had no more baby teeth/we were a family of 5, etc.]”

Leveling Up of all Birthday Parties Whereas matching She-Ra paper plates and party hats once sufficed for “themed birthday party,” this is no longer Instagram adequate. Please coordinate all parties henceforth with the requisite photo booth, rustic signage, and mason jar centerpieces.

Reenactment of Marriage Proposal/Wedding Proposal should be orchestrated to include some element of surprise but with ample warning for Gen X mom (wearing full make-up, couture ensemble) to look both graceful and shocked, and so as not to clash with Gen X dad (wearing lumberjack chic). Professional photography/videography should capture event within context of larger narrative of unique love story Note: Custom hashtag should populate all video/images

Reenactment of Each Pregnancy so as to afford time and resources for restaging of Gender Reveal (since pulling live baby out of birth canal is no longer adequate determination and is regrettably devoid of pastel-colored cupcakes); Glamorous Photoshoot that blurs lines between boudoir and senior portrait styles; Nursery photo tour on blog to showcase parental readiness for human life form that will not be able to appreciate Noah’s Ark theme for 2-4 more years.

Preferential treatment will be given to all applicants who indicate Millennial mindset or generational affiliation.

Compensation commensurate with uptick in Instagram follows for Gen X mom.

Girlfriend's Guide to an Alien Invasion at Costco

The following are marks of suspected aliens that may appear trolling the aisles of Costco.* This guide is neither complete nor to be taken seriously.

• Says to greeter, “I don’t have a membership card. I just want to spend money here-- is that not enough?”
• Does not purchase toilet paper, did not forget
• Passes leather sectionals and/or flat screen TVs without mentioning something about a football or a bachelorette.
• Children in cart are neither asleep nor ill-behaved
• Overheard on cell phone, “I just wandered into this little spot where you can buy a lifetime supply of Cheez-Its. What’s that? No. Not sure what it’s called. I’ll ask.”
• Asks for a map of sample stands
• Appears to be trying to run in for a few things and run back out
• Lingers beyond 4 seconds in the chilled produce room
• Picks up copy of "Magnolia Story" by Chip and Joanna Gaines and says, “Who would even buy this?” with no sense of irony
• Buys Kirkland-brand fleece hoodie for mother as birthday gift, not expecting her to figure out where it was purchased
• Never remarks, What kind of army needs *that* much pickle relish?
• Volunteers to the cashier, "Plastic bags are fine, unless you have paper."
• Derides snack bar, as though charging $1 for a cooked hot dog with unlimited condiments isn’t a roasted miracle on a soft bun in a capitalist society.

*If an alien encounter materializes, Costco members are advised to stand by at a sample kiosk and try not to gawk.

On buying a pee stick or three at the Dollar Store

I parked next to the Dollar Store in the less-densely packed parking area because I like 90 degree angles and the other spots had those 45 degree angled spots that you need a protractor in order to fit properly. Don't look at me like that. In the process, I learned that the shady area next to the Dollar Store is also the official make-out spot of my municipality.

Ironic since that's the kind of trouble that probably got me into this mess.

Ohhh ho ho ho. I kid.

C'mon. A Dollar Store parking lot? We are more caviar than that.

We are Publix kind of people.

Anyway. Of course I was going to the Dollar Store to buy the pregnancy test because even though there are goalies in place, you can never be too sure. You would think someone who cares so much about 90 degree angles would probably have spreadsheets of her menstrual cycle (stop gagging and grow up or I'll put you in a binder full of women) but I work in a place among some 650 uteri. Every month is a new adventure with new ovarian tales to tell. Also, it is well-documented that you can still get a false positive if you are one of the very lucky, which I am.

via GIPHY

I later regaled my husband with this, the evidence of heavy petting in cars outside the store that sells the oft-desired Wet n' Wild nail polish and syrupy bottles marked simply Cola. He wanted to know who the kids were. Really? Stay classy, hubs.

When I found myself in the aisle where the dollar preggo tests usually are (it's almost like I've done this before, I know!), they were all cleared out. Because I was determined not to be like Blossom Russo buying maxi pads for the first time, I decided to ask a stock clerk if they were all out of pee sticks. That required me to say aloud the words, "Are you all out of pregnancy tests?" Ugh. Hand me some orange Tic Tacs and call me Juno. I should mention the stock clerk was wearing a scraggly beard costume, basically from the neck up with some festive head-boppers. Exactly the kind of person who just knows where everything is.

She said, "Oh, they're at the front."

Which to me means they are behind lock and key and you need a front desk clerk to retrieve them.

So I ask the cashier if she can help me with pregnancy tests. She wanders over to a regular ol' shelf with all manner of impulse buys. Because you know sometimes you're just in line buying nail polish and you think, Oh, it'd be good if I pick up some lip balm if my lips get chapped and a pregnancy test or four in case I get knocked up. Love being spontaneous! Living dangerously in the Dollar Store!!!

via GIPHY

She hooked me up with three tests. One to try first, one just to be sure (because for the price of a dollar, science can only get you so far. If you want an insurance policy on whether or not one test will tell you whether you have a womb squatter or not, you have to pay the big bucks). I tossed in one extra so I wouldn't have to go through this ordeal again. Like, next month.

The front cashier was also in costume, wearing pink spangles from head to toe. She explained it was in support of her auntie who had passed away from cancer. So now she knew something about me and I knew something about her. The transaction was already taking place with no dollars even exchanged! Ah, poetry of life.

As she was bagging up my items another family was approaching the cashier so Pink Spangles said, super on the down-low, "Did you need anything else besides WHAT I HELPED YOU FIND?"

via GIPHY

Ummmm. I don't know what she wanted me to say. How about a can opener, and while you're at it, maybe some Botox and is this also the place where I can vote early and often?

Speaking of votes, the results of the pregnancy test were negative but the outlook is positive for keeping my supply of tests well-stocked.