Directions for my Memorial Slideshow

Whereas your mother is of a sound mind on this day the 11th day of January in the year 2018, she will be henceforth referred to as the Deceased. The Deceased shall entrust members of family, namely her children and eventual publishers of her memoir(s) to handle the attendant Memorial Service Slideshow according to these irrevocable conditions:  

  • Archival photos in which the Deceased appears to be volunteering in children’s school or at least has Eyebrows on Fleek shall be given preferential placement in the slideshow arrangement.


  • Archival photos that feature the Deceased wearing mom jeans, other pleated slacks, or more than one chin should be used sparingly, if at all.


  • Under no circumstances shall images in which the Deceased appears to be holding more than one beverage in more than one hand be used in the slideshow.


  • All musical selections should be vetted against the Deceased’s playlists on Spotify. If Spotify ceases to exist, under no circumstances should any songs be drawn from the Bob Carlisle’s “Butterfly Kisses” album.


  • Unattributable quotations, such as “Live, Laugh, Love” will cause the Deceased to rage from The Beyond and should be used under no circumstances.


  • All text slides should utilize a sans serif font. Okay, just kidding. Don’t go getting crazy and using Curlz or Comic Sans or something totally insane, ya wingdings.


  • Preludes to the slideshow should be limited to live duets by Lea Michele and Chris Colfer in the spirit of “Defying Gravity” as seen on “Glee” (Season 1, Episode 9). OBVI.  


  • Postludes should be brief but meditative and probably entail a string instrument.


  • It is the Deceased’s wish that you would find yourselves crying throughout the slideshow because you found a reason to miss her -- I mean, HOW MANY TIMES was Leroy the Elf not moved in the morning? -- and not because the slideshow was triggering in a certain kind of way.


  • Length of entire slideshow should be appropriately long based on years Deceased was alive, and just awkward enough for any ex-boyfriends present.
  • The Deceased wishes to vouchsafe the fact that there are fun-size packs of Goldfish crackers for each of you in the vault if you get hungry.