I will take Not Talking about this for $200, Alex

I will take religion and politics ANY DAY over parents talking about naps. Tea Party? Jihad? Bring it on. Just promise me you will not make repartee about how much or how little your child naps/napped/will nap in the future. Tossing the nap hand-grenade into any conversation at any time is the most contentious, divisive weapon ever employed in a social coup.

"My Marigold never napped!"

::Other parents look askance, wonder why Marigold's parents never read handbook on epic napping::

"Well my Petunia still naps and she's 33!"

Hartshorn's Baby Primer

I have endured this conversation at least half a million times. And it gets less interesting every time, such that it is now so uninteresting to me, it is in the realm of negative interest. If the nap conversation were an IRA, the fund managers would be getting fired or trying to find a ponzi scheme to get in on, the interest is so immeasurably low.

And it isn't even a conversation. It is more like a collection of monologues with lightning bolts and raised eyebrows being thrown from every parent pundit. It is all so judgey, the nap note-share. It is a poor excuse for conversation/competition. It is a convertition.

In the nap convertition, the parent who was most victimized by a napless wonder is the winner. The parent who triumphed most by a napful wonder is also the winner. Everybody wins because everybody thinks his/her story is the only story. The only narrative that matters. And yet, we are talking about naps. Naps that we didn't take. So we are all losers.

Every parent has one. A resume of nap accomplishments.

Here's mine:

Stay-at-home mom/Part-time grad student 2008-2010 First child  Ambivalent napper, sensitive to noise Sleep trained at 6 mos. Gave up nap age 2.

Full-time teacher 2010-2012 Second child Lovely napper, could sleep through cowbell parade Still needs to be rocked to sleep Sleep trained, sort of Can still be persuaded to nap at 3 but will never fall asleep at night if naps during day

I think I should print out the above so that I can just hand it to the nap convertitionists and end the convertition right then and there. Parents, feel free to share your resume so I can file it accordingly. Heh.

Now let's stop talking about all this malarkey and move on to any other topic. How about Jimmy Fallon. I can't stop saying Ew. Nap convertition? Ew.