The only reason I knew of this establishment in our little downtown walking district is because Loverpants had taken the kids there before and called it a successful time. There were reports of children (whom I birthed) willfully consuming food matter in a restaurant, and actually behaving themselves in a public place, versus behaving like those dancing noodles that are often scene flagging your attention at car washes or the like.
So I suppose you could say this was all Loverpants' fault.
A few weeks ago, the kids and I had frolicked at a playground in the afternoon and were henceforth requiring sustenance. I was in the kind of mood that one experiences who spends many days in a row with people who basically eat only 4 foods, not 4 food groups but just 4 foods (cereal, fruit, veggie turkey slices, mac n' cheese, rinse and repeat) gets in where she cannot SHE CANNOT. Not anymore. I was feeling faint and wanting to just sit and order from a menu and then for that food to miraculously appear on a tray before me. My stars! I think this might not just be a stardust fantasy, but, lo, I believe such a place actually does exist!
So, my children ventured once more to the magical emporium known as Buffalo Wild Wings, this time with their mother. I remembered that Loverpants had mentioned the kids ate well when he took them to B-Dub. Soft pretzels and chicken wings and french fries--oh my! As I am a vegetarian, I don't usually go to places whose main export is the fried poultry, n'ah mean? So, this was my maiden voyage to B-Dub.
The place was, as advertised, and you have my full permission to roll your eyes so far back into your skull that you actually gag on them, because I really was happy to be there, n0t because I like sports or beer or chicken, but I like cheap food that my kids will eat. Judge if you must.
We ordered and all was going well. Until...
Until this man who looked to be a waiter because he was wearing a B-Dub jersey sidled up to our table.
He just kept chatting with me. It went something like this:
Hey, how are you guys doing? We're good, thank you!
So...do you guys come here often? Thinking: What is that? A pick-up line for my 6 and 3 year-old? Yeah, buddy. They're regulars here. Never miss a Braves game on the big screen.
What did you order? Thinking: Oh gosh. Is he asking me what I ordered to drink because he thinks I'm a single mom and wants to send me over a pity drink?
Well, I just wanted to tell you about a new position we created here... Thinking: Oh he DEFINITELY thinks I am a single mom and wants to offer me a pity job! Oh this is the worst!
See, so I'm the new guest experience Captain, and it's my job to make sure you're having a great time! Thinking: Ack! He's a cruise director for B-Dub!
So if you want to try a new wing flavor or change the TV channel, just give me a shout, all right? I am so embarrassed. For him. For me. For humanity.
The good Captain then wrote down his name for me, which, once again, felt like some flirtypants leaving his number for me on the check, call me maybe? Ugh.
Then I looked over at a table of high school kids in their prom attire. And as if going to B-Dub for prom dinner didn't strike me as odd enough, the kids were sitting at one end of the table and their parents were sitting at the other. I thought that situation seemed very Duggar-style but what do I know? Times, they are a-changin'...Patrons can't order wings without a shaman named John the Guest Experience Captain helping them navigate the menu. High schoolies can't go anywhere without their helicopter parents.
This was all hitting me at once, and so I wondered, dear readers. Seen anything new and exciting lately? Do share....