Please stop telling me that "Friends" is the best show ever, because it's really not that funny, and mostly you would hate every one of those characters -- yes, even Joey -- if they lived in your apartment building across the hall. Please stop naming your daughters Emma and Hannah and your sons Jack and thinking you're sooooo original for doing so. Please stop telling me to read John Irving. Please stop telling me how yoga has changed your life. Please stop bragging about the deal you got on an ugly Coach bag at TJMaxx, like you're the first person to ever think to buy something designer at TJMaxx. Please don't buy Vera Bradley unless you can admit that it looks slightly like something in which your granny would tote her yarn. Please stop talking about backpacking through Europe when you don't even know where you would go to begin to apply for a passport. Please read an etiquette book before you stuff your wedding invitation with gift registry directives. Please stop LOL-ing your way through online chatter. Please stop saying everything is "crazy;" your life is far from crazy. Please don't give me that look when I say that I went to Canada for my honeymoon, and wonder why I flew to get there because "Canada's so close!" It's a big country. Please don't then ask me why I didn't just go to a Sandals resort. Please don't be too insulted and aghast when I respond that I didn't go to a Sandals resort because people like you would be there, and that Sandals and other all-inclusive resorts are only a value for people who drink, which I don't, although swim-up bars do sound wonderful, but only if they're staffed by people who are making a livable wage. Please don't say "irregardless," because it is not a word. Please stop quoting Emerson's "Success" for every occasion that you're called upon to be wise. Please don't decorate your apartment with quasi Art Noveau posters of Napa Valley. Especially if you've never been to Napa. Please don't buy the Audrey Hepburn calendar just because you saw "Breakfast at Tiffany's" and don't know anything else about Audrey Hepburn. Please stop blaming the church for your Catholic guilt if you are living in sin. I'm not judging you, but guess what? No one can make you feel guilty if you're confident in your decisions. Please stop claiming that you've discovered a food item from Trader Joe's. Did you "discover" it? Hidden? Behind some back order of inventory in the nether heights of a dark and dusty warehouse? Or was it on display in the grocer's freezer? Please stop recommending that I look on craigslist whenever I need something; I'm familiar with Craig, I just thought you might be able to help me more than an online forum of derelicts on house arrest. Please stop hating on Maureen Dowd just because she's a woman who happens to be right a lot of the time. Please stop forgetting to vote and making excuses for not voting; that's unconscionable. Please stop hearting everything. It was cute for a while, but let's restore the heart to its proper noun-ship, shall we? Please stop starting blogs and never updating them. Please stop reading this blog and never commenting, especially you. Please stop being so cliched.