Blocking for all the scenes- Seasons 1-18: "The Bachelor"

Limousines arrive: bachelorettes in slinky dresses greet Bachelor; use innuendo adapted from Danielle Steel novels. Bachelor mingles, bachelorettes give stink eye to one another. Bachelor smooches brunette bachelorette in shaded grove; remnant bachelorettes, who all work in pharmaceutical sales, give stink eye to one another in mansion. Candles everywhere. Bachelor hands out roses. Cue pregnant pauses between roses.

Bachelorettes of color depart, excepting one ambiguously Latina bachelorette. Cue crying in hallway by spurned bachelorettes.

Blonde bachelorettes give stink eye to one another.

Bachelor's Cottage


Dates ensue. Looks of shock, surprise, elation populate scenes, despite textbook activities that repeat season after season including tandem bicycle rides, hang-gliding, trust falls. Confession booths filled with disclosures of prior fear of hang-gliding by bachelorettes, until the Bachelor showed them how to cast fear to the wayside.

Group dates ensue; entail some manner of sporty activity. Group dates inspire stink-eyes en masse. Hot tubbing ensues.

Helicopter rides ensue. Helicopter rides to hot tubs ensue. Smooching in hotel rooms; candles everywhere. Rose ceremonies continue; bad seeds inexplicably do not depart from cast.



Hometown dates ensue. Families of bachelorettes question plausibility of marriage despite couple having just met one another and fact that Bachelor is conducting polygamous dating circuit on national television. Cue bachelorettes affirming that they, individually, have never been more sure of anything in their lives. Bachelor confesses with no sense of irony that he never thought he would find true love on television, despite gamble of quitting his job as a ___(insert high-paying profession in finance here)___. Bachelor stands in chamber, staring at headshot portraits of bachelorettes as though reading tea leaves. Host Chris Harrison assists in debriefing; affirms tough decision of Bachelor. Bachelorettes accept roses.


Fantasy dates ensue; candles everywhere. Bachelorettes gaze longingly into eyes of Bachelor. Bachelor looks off into distance. Cameras stop rolling. Rose ceremonies whittle down casting to blond pharmaceutical saleswoman versus brunette teacher.

*** Filler episode: spurned bachelorettes tell all about helicopter rides and hot tubs.


**** Day of prospective engagement begins. Bachelorettes arise, look off into vast ocean. Bachelor works with Neil Lane to find perfect engagement ring. Bachelorettes get ready all day; do not lament fact that forgot Kindle reader at home despite long day of Only Getting Ready.

Bachelor grabs ring he selected from Neil Lane. Bachelor proposes. Erstwhile bachelorette-turned-fiancee rejoices.

Spurned bachelorette books appearance on Ellen Degeneres. After the final rose: same bench from hallway where spurned bachelorettes sat and cried repurposed for Monday Morning Quarterbacking on how spurned bachelorette could have done better job snagging future husband.

Rings from Neil Lane showcased.


Spurned bachelorette introduced as New Bachelorette for forthcoming season. Cue trailer for forthcoming season of The Bachelorette. Cue Bachelorette confessing she never thought she could find true love on TV.