Achtung, mama

This morning my alarm was a perfume sample giver-outer standing in my path at Macy's. She did not want to be ignored. Wake up. Take the sample. Acknowledge me. Or I will not stop. I acknowledged her. I got up at an hour that rhymes with hix o'flock.

I got up and spent some time in Exodus, chapter 3. God was just hanging out...in some shrubbery...on fire...just having a deep and meaningful with Moses.

God was like the perfume giver-outer. The one who's got something to give does not want to be ignored. Can ya dig it?

***

No one with the exception of Little Man was in a jocund mood this morning. Baby Girl was flexing herself into some petrified scorpion position when we were trying to get her dressed and ready for school. Tears ensued. There was no time to put on my cosmetic face. I believe more tears ensued for my students because of this.

***

Class went well despite a student showing us a propaganda video about how textbooks are for cavepeople and soon every baby will come into the world, his parents having registered for a baby iPad with the Dr. Seuss I Can Read series locked and loaded. Not really but that's what one could project.

***

I hung out with Little Man at the campus cafe while Loverpants attended a networking event. Little Man yelled MAMAMAMAMMMMAMAMAMAM? MAMA? MAMA! MAMAMAMAMAMA! even though I was standing right next to him. One of my students said she admired how whenever she runs into my husband or me, we are always with our children. I explained that this was both intentional and incidental. They are, for better or for worse, very much a part of every fabric of our lives. I appreciated that she recognized this, however, since I spent four years of college reading Steinem and Woolf and thinking that children were a great idea. If you liked having a really lame life. And a purse full of crusty Kleenex.

***

I then got an e-mail from a person who holds our financial future in his pocket and that sent me into a tailspin.

*** I then got angry with my husband because of this e-mail from the person who is not my husband.

I then told my husband that he should leave me alone because I was about to say something really mean.

I then went for a run in the rain.

I then ran up a hill in the rain and rolled my bad ankle and fell on the ground and scraped up my knees.

A woman came running to see if I was ok and offered to drive me home which was so nice.

But I walked down the hill because frankly I like pain and crying and limping and walking downhill in the rain.

*** I am now typing here with a bag of frozen vegetables on my swollen ankle. I think this is where I need to be. I think I have been anxious for nothing lately. I think God really wants my attention right now.

Happy sabbath.

Pageturner for Every Parent (teedleehee!)

My friend Althea sent me a package full of things I accidentally left at her home, along with some gratuitous stickers to cover every surface of my new home. Because Althea? Is a true friend. And friends don't let friends live without every surface of their microwave covered in Hello Kitty. Included with the lovemail contents was also this treasured tome.

Fanclub, I think you know you can rely on me for sound literary counsel. And I think we all agree that I am bar none The Doyenne of parenting advice. Now wrap that all up in some seaweed and cover it in wasabi and soy sauce and what do you have? Parenting Manual Sushi is what.

I can't tell you what a TOTAL GAMECHANGER this book has been for me. How to Raise Children at Home in Your Spare Time has changed EVERYTHING for me. I mean, here I was, all this time, nearly four years of thinking that parenthood was something of a vocation, a breaking down of self to honor something greater than oneself, training up to little souls.

But I was so wrong.

As this book points out, parenting is merely a hobby! You can do it at home in your spare time WHILE YOU ARE ORDERING THE NEW RACHAEL RAY WAXLESS CANDLES FROM QVC!

Again, this book is sparing me the stress of having to occupy my ankle-biters because, 'scuse me, little trolls, trying to grout some tile here!

Seriously, this book has opened up a whole new avenue of choices for me. The book recommends that you wean yourself off of parenting books. The author did not mention anything about irony, but this was a 1966 edition, so it's possible that it is missing some pages, too, I'm sure?

I am absolutely keeping this book in my bathroom. It's not fair of me to tease you like this. So come on over, borrow the porcelain and drink the Kool-Aid of premier pediatrics.

***

This is one of my fave pix I've snapped. It is entitled, "Daylight Savings." Look at Loverpants.

And here are some catch-up shots from Halloween at the Chattanooga Market

Build-a-Pooh-Bear

Our mate Kate

This apple spice crepe was reedonk.

My smart boy found himself on the wrong side of the dog park fence. Wearing a bear suit.

Church Portraits

Well over a month ago, I signed up the FamiLee for our church directory portraits. You know how I love to appear to have it all together, so, yes, of course I was piddling on the church website and snapping up our timeslot, conveniently right after pick-up from Baby Girl's school. Now, hold up. I know what you are thinking. But, Kendra? Church portraits!? Aren't those for people who wear t-shirts with faded pastel fish designs and their jeans hiked up to their armpits? And to that I would say, No. No, you are wrong. That ensemble is much too casual for a church portrait. You would need some manner of floor-sweeping denim skirt paired with a lacey blouse and a handstitched vest festooned with some kind of autumn-themed applique. Now that is the fashion forecast for the church portrait.

But anyway, I cracked the whip on the boys and had them both in their bowtie best by the time we got Baby Girl from School. Then I toted Baby Girl's change of clothes for the picture like a total stage mom and we arrived on time because this was less about taking pictures and more about testing my ability to orchestrate this church portrait thing. All the church ninny helper people were being friendly and lovely, fawning over the kids and making pleasantries, and clearly my blood sugar was low because UGH LEEEEMEEE ALONE WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS CHURCH PORTRAIT ANYWAY???

We got into the photo taking chambers and Baby Girl was already staging her boycott of the event. Little Man and Loverpants got a few boys-only shots to warm up the camera. Then we attempted a family foursome and Baby Girl refused to show her face to the camera, like...Who are you? Johnny Depp? Don't care to comment, Vanity Fair? I then chastised Baby Girl for ruining everything and if you know me you know that I'm not a fan of the spanking to discipline but oh did I threaten her today. And for what? For thinking that it's way lame to have to sit pretty for a church portrait after you've just spent the whole day in school taking turns and trying not to pull a nutty when you only get one graham cracker even though everyone else got two? You can't get behind that?

As we were leaving, I told Loverpants that I needed to sort this out with Baby Girl and he told me that this didn't have to be a "you and her" thing. Of course the good counselor was right.

Over the past two days, I've heard those famous verses from Proverbs 3 twice. God's been knocking on my door and then He's been leaving me voicemails just to follow up.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Did you catch that? Lean not. On your OWN understanding. Don't rely upon your own understanding of what's important to support you. Don't expect that your child better behave for something that is more about your own agenda than about God's.

Yup. Noted. Thanks, God.

I asked Loverpants if we could just forget the whole church portrait ever happened and he said, No, it was funny. It's a good story to tell.

Plus, I prefer my kids in their own habitat for portrait-making anyway.