A couple of weeks ago, I stranded myself on the Island of No More Shorts which was not hard to do since I owned two pairs of shorts that fit. Shorts Pair One, a red and white striped long short from ATay Loft were even a little tight around the waist, but they were the only casual pair in the rotation. Shorts Pair Two are just a pair of nylon joggers, unfit for pairing with certain tops. So off Baby Girl and I went to Target for the trying on and purchase of a new pair of shorts for the rotation. I know you are wondering how I got to Target if I was stranded on the aforementioned Island. And thank goodness Baby Girl is chunky enough to hold in front of me as I walk through parking lots pantsless. Hey-oooo.
I will spare you the "I Cannot Believe How Much My Body Has Changed" spiel, but as I attempted, in the manner of a competitor in a potato-sack race, to try on shorts, I still could not believe the audacity J.Lo had in trading her post-preg body for my petite one. What was I to DO with these rumpled curves, so unseemly and difficult to negotiate non-elastic waistbands? Somewhere, J. Lo is bouncing a twin babe on each of her knees and getting mad compliments about her tautness, but why are her ankles so white and bony?
Anyway, as I was examining the folly of a size that rhymes with Twix and how my closet will not be filled with Twixes for a long long time, I glanced down at Baby Girl who, I kid you not, was looking up at me with equal parts HORROR and HORROR, as though to say, "Mom, please consider not leaving this fitting room in those pants a sincere act of mercy?"
I exited the fitting room with some tears in my eyes, putting the shorts back with the fitting room attendant. To no one in particular, I said, "I guess I am not the size I used to be!" a woman with an infant in a stroller perked up and said, "Oh please, I know!! I'm just so wiiiide!" That made me feel so much better, better enough to even find two pair of shorts that fit. In one day, my shorts wardrobe increased by 100%.
I later captured the face of Baby Girl had given me earlier in the fitting room.
J. Lo, eat your heart out.