Grumpsgiving

I must admit that I spent a great fraction of yesterday wearing my pouty-pants and had Loverpants been inclined to sell me on QVC (which totally would have been within his rights to do, so miserable of a living companion yesterday was I) I cannot even imagine how many freebies he would have had to thrown in - cashmere slippers and Flobees and boxes of Swiss chocolates - to peddle me off to the highest bidder. I love holidays in my mind. In my mind, there is garland hanging from every doorway, a potpourri of delicious smells wafting throughout our home, my family's countenance: pure joy. In reality, I wake up each holiday that I am away from my extendeds in a state of panic. I didn't plan any traditions! Why is my husband watching videos about Google Wave and why is no one else watching the parade with me?

So I end up taking a 3 hour depressive nap and waking up and eating a roll of OREOs and hating my holiday inadequacy and willing the day to pass so we can get back to regular life with my regular expectations thereof.

Much of this has to do with my parents and especially my father being a bona fide holiday freak, counting aloud the days until the next holiday, giving us permission always to sleep in, pig out, and make like the freaking Griswold's whenever the calendar called for it. And then my parents split and the holidays never felt the same because they never were the same and so I am forever trying to get back to reclaim my rightful holidays since I didn't ask for this and call me Veruca Salt but I want my childhood back NOW!

The other part of this has to do with marrying someone who is a pilgrim with no homeland. My husband is an immigrant, true, but he also grew up assimilated (see also: The Accidental Asian by Eric Liu). He does not have a memory of Korean traditions because he did not grow up in Korea. He does not have memories of American traditions because his parents did not grow up in America. Does anyone know what this is like? Does anyone know what it feels like to not want to have to fault your partner for his lack of traditional novelty, but also to not have to explain why you want certain things to just be automatic? Why you want to feel the special-ness of a day without having to put so much energy toward making it extraspecially special?

***

I went for a long walk yesterday afternoon and thought about my stocked cabinets and my beautiful daughter and my gorgeous husband and my bathroom that smells like baby pee and I truly was grateful for all of it. I decided that this would be my starting point in the future, that holidays would be a time for me to take stock of my blessings and to try to bless others in special ways.

That being said, I've got 10 of the 30 stockings claimed so far. I don't suppose you'd like to sponsor one, too? :)