Inn Love

Dear Tori,

Girl, you know I've always been a fan. Way back when you were the above-average blond on 90210 with the beguiling eyes. My sister TP and I would take turns being the Look Out Girl in my parents' bedroom, since we were sheltered and therefore forbidden from watching mature programming such as your father produced. We had to keep an alternating eye out for the impending wrath of Mama Red. But it was worth it, because your outfits were cutting edge and cute, and occasionally, you would say especially profound things like, "If I had a swimming pool, and even though I put a fence around it, I'd still want to teach my kids to swim." You were referencing sex ed/safe sex at the time, which, of course you remember, but it kinda stuck with me, you know?


I'm still a fan, but I've got some constructive criticism for you. Now, first, girl, I know it's been a tough year with your father passing, and what with your not getting a proper good-bye with A-Spell. But I tuned in last night to "Inn Love," (thank you Comcast OnDemand, you're Comcastic) and, girl, I just don't think you were properly representin'.

I've still got to give you props for your adorable outfits. Even when you go to cradle roll with your 2 month-old son Liam of the perfect head. Your outfit is tres adorable, ma belle. Pigtails and pink flip-flops included.

It's just that I think the inner blond is shining through a bit too brightly. You're a little too Ugly American when you and your Scotsman hubs visit his mother land and you leave the B&B after "explosive diarrhea" and don't bother to alert the innkeeper that you weren't able to flush.

And when you brag about your stroller to all the other moms at cradle roll? Particularly noting the nice Paparazzi-proof feature? It's kind of ironic. Because, girl, you're on a reality show. If you're that concerned about protecting Wee Liam from the public eye, then perhaps this is not the year to invite rolling cameras into your love shack, n'ah mean?

I'm sure I'll continue to catch scant episodes via OnDemand to see how your own B&B, Chateau La Rue is doing, and to see how your wardrobe is unfolding, but in the meantime, one American girl to another, I'd try to project a little more of the astute Donna Martin and a little less NoTORIous, ya heard?