T or F

Little Man is the official spokesperson of bobbleheaded Sesame Street character slippers. True or False?

My brother Mikie came and visited me for the first time since 2004. True or False?

My old man and my stepmum slipped in some Ulysses; Little Man kept waiting for the part about Lightning McQueen. True or False?

The boy in this picture is looking for his real parents because the screwballs that run this joint keep putting Elmo taxidermy on his feet. True or False?

We went to go fetch our fake Charlie Brown tree from the box that was moved from our home in Boston and in it we found the tree. And then we found some random femur bone. Appeared to be gnawed on. True or False?

My old man is the funniest fellow with whom to decorate a Charlie Brown tree. True or True?

Please submit your answers along with a dozen Christmas cookies to the holiday pop quiz subcommittee. Thank you for playing.

Pageturner for Every Parent (teedleehee!)

My friend Althea sent me a package full of things I accidentally left at her home, along with some gratuitous stickers to cover every surface of my new home. Because Althea? Is a true friend. And friends don't let friends live without every surface of their microwave covered in Hello Kitty. Included with the lovemail contents was also this treasured tome.

Fanclub, I think you know you can rely on me for sound literary counsel. And I think we all agree that I am bar none The Doyenne of parenting advice. Now wrap that all up in some seaweed and cover it in wasabi and soy sauce and what do you have? Parenting Manual Sushi is what.

I can't tell you what a TOTAL GAMECHANGER this book has been for me. How to Raise Children at Home in Your Spare Time has changed EVERYTHING for me. I mean, here I was, all this time, nearly four years of thinking that parenthood was something of a vocation, a breaking down of self to honor something greater than oneself, training up to little souls.

But I was so wrong.

As this book points out, parenting is merely a hobby! You can do it at home in your spare time WHILE YOU ARE ORDERING THE NEW RACHAEL RAY WAXLESS CANDLES FROM QVC!

Again, this book is sparing me the stress of having to occupy my ankle-biters because, 'scuse me, little trolls, trying to grout some tile here!

Seriously, this book has opened up a whole new avenue of choices for me. The book recommends that you wean yourself off of parenting books. The author did not mention anything about irony, but this was a 1966 edition, so it's possible that it is missing some pages, too, I'm sure?

I am absolutely keeping this book in my bathroom. It's not fair of me to tease you like this. So come on over, borrow the porcelain and drink the Kool-Aid of premier pediatrics.

***

This is one of my fave pix I've snapped. It is entitled, "Daylight Savings." Look at Loverpants.

And here are some catch-up shots from Halloween at the Chattanooga Market

Build-a-Pooh-Bear

Our mate Kate

This apple spice crepe was reedonk.

My smart boy found himself on the wrong side of the dog park fence. Wearing a bear suit.

Metaphor

My friend Selena sent me this picture. My new friend, Selena, whom I keep running into. Our surprise encounters are precisely timed, at church, at the pool, walking on the local path. Today, at the carousel downtown.

Selena snapped this picture of me and when I saw it, my chest sank.

This photo captures perfectly the metaphor of this season.

Because there I stand, firm, while the rest of the horses and smiles and oompa music whirs around me.  I am incongruous, not even supporting my baby on the pony bobbing up and down. She is dressed in her Halloween costume because I woke up thinking today was Halloween. And then I hauled her and her brother all over town wondering why no one else was in costume. I am smiling, waving like a homecoming queen, on a carousel, merry horses bobbing up and down around me, their heads arched forward, but never advancing further another inch.  I stand, I smile, I wave.

The flip am I doing?

What do I do each day?  Bounce around a room, point, yell, draw circles around words that form ledes that form ideas that form furrowed brows in the eyes of my audience.  Sit in my office, point, click, circle, sigh. Drive, arrive, pick up, put down, the horses and Matchbox cars and trains rumble around me. I stand firm, I wave, I smile.

I don't know what I am doing here, in the conserva-patch of this orbiting globe, in this season where I don't know if it is November yet and does it matter since I'm still sweating, in this body where I play grammar guru and puppeteer and kitchen witch and lover all in one day.

But I know I am supposed to be here.  The eyelashes on my eyes, hiding behind sunglasses, are all numbered.  Each and every encounter with each and every person here on the carousel is precisely known.  I will stand firm while the ponies bob and spin. I will smile and wave, and wonder who let me out of the house with those socks.