I will take Not Talking about this for $200, Alex

I will take religion and politics ANY DAY over parents talking about naps. Tea Party? Jihad? Bring it on. Just promise me you will not make repartee about how much or how little your child naps/napped/will nap in the future. Tossing the nap hand-grenade into any conversation at any time is the most contentious, divisive weapon ever employed in a social coup.

"My Marigold never napped!"

::Other parents look askance, wonder why Marigold's parents never read handbook on epic napping::

"Well my Petunia still naps and she's 33!"

I have endured this conversation at least half a million times. And it gets less interesting every time, such that it is now so uninteresting to me, it is in the realm of negative interest. If the nap conversation were an IRA, the fund managers would be getting fired or trying to find a ponzi scheme to get in on, the interest is so immeasurably low.

And it isn't even a conversation. It is more like a collection of monologues with lightning bolts and raised eyebrows being thrown from every parent pundit. It is all so judgey, the nap note-share. It is a poor excuse for conversation/competition. It is a convertition.

In the nap convertition, the parent who was most victimized by a napless wonder is the winner. The parent who triumphed most by a napful wonder is also the winner. Everybody wins because everybody thinks his/her story is the only story. The only narrative that matters. And yet, we are talking about naps. Naps that we didn't take. So we are all losers.

Every parent has one. A resume of nap accomplishments.

Here's mine:

Stay-at-home mom/Part-time grad student 2008-2010 First child  Ambivalent napper, sensitive to noise Sleep trained at 6 mos. Gave up nap age 2.

Full-time teacher 2010-2012 Second child Lovely napper, could sleep through cowbell parade Still needs to be rocked to sleep Sleep trained, sort of Can still be persuaded to nap at 3 but will never fall asleep at night if naps during day

I think I should print out the above so that I can just hand it to the nap convertitionists and end the convertition right then and there. Parents, feel free to share your resume so I can file it accordingly. Heh.

Now let's stop talking about all this malarkey and move on to any other topic. How about Jimmy Fallon. I can't stop saying Ew. Nap convertition? Ew.

Blocking for all the scenes- Seasons 1-18: "The Bachelor"

Limousines arrive: bachelorettes in slinky dresses greet Bachelor; use innuendo adapted from Danielle Steel novels. Bachelor mingles, bachelorettes give stink eye to one another. Bachelor smooches brunette bachelorette in shaded grove; remnant bachelorettes, who all work in pharmaceutical sales, give stink eye to one another in mansion. Candles everywhere. Bachelor hands out roses. Cue pregnant pauses between roses.

Bachelorettes of color depart, excepting one ambiguously Latina bachelorette. Cue crying in hallway by spurned bachelorettes.

Blonde bachelorettes give stink eye to one another.

***

Dates ensue. Looks of shock, surprise, elation populate scenes, despite textbook activities that repeat season after season including tandem bicycle rides, hang-gliding, trust falls. Confession booths filled with disclosures of prior fear of hang-gliding by bachelorettes, until the Bachelor showed them how to cast fear to the wayside.

Group dates ensue; entail some manner of sporty activity. Group dates inspire stink-eyes en masse. Hot tubbing ensues.

Helicopter rides ensue. Helicopter rides to hot tubs ensue. Smooching in hotel rooms; candles everywhere. Rose ceremonies continue; bad seeds inexplicably do not depart from cast.

***

Hometown dates ensue. Families of bachelorettes question plausibility of marriage despite couple having just met one another and fact that Bachelor is conducting polygamous dating circuit on national television. Cue bachelorettes affirming that they, individually, have never been more sure of anything in their lives. Bachelor confesses with no sense of irony that he never thought he would find true love on television, despite gamble of quitting his job as a ___(insert high-paying profession in finance here)___. Bachelor stands in chamber, staring at headshot portraits of bachelorettes as though reading tea leaves. Host Chris Harrison assists in debriefing; affirms tough decision of Bachelor. Bachelorettes accept roses.

***

Fantasy dates ensue; candles everywhere. Bachelorettes gaze longingly into eyes of Bachelor. Bachelor looks off into distance. Cameras stop rolling. Rose ceremonies whittle down casting to blond pharmaceutical saleswoman versus brunette teacher.

*** Filler episode: spurned bachelorettes tell all about helicopter rides and hot tubs.

**** Day of prospective engagement begins. Bachelorettes arise, look off into vast ocean. Bachelor works with Neil Lane to find perfect engagement ring. Bachelorettes get ready all day; do not lament fact that forgot Kindle reader at home despite long day of Only Getting Ready.

Bachelor grabs ring he selected from Neil Lane. Bachelor proposes. Erstwhile bachelorette-turned-fiancee rejoices.

Spurned bachelorette books appearance on Ellen Degeneres. After the final rose: same bench from hallway where spurned bachelorettes sat and cried repurposed for Monday Morning Quarterbacking on how spurned bachelorette could have done better job snagging future husband.

Rings from Neil Lane showcased.

***

Spurned bachelorette introduced as New Bachelorette for forthcoming season. Cue trailer for forthcoming season of The Bachelorette. Cue Bachelorette confessing she never thought she could find true love on TV.

The most epically interesting #blog post ever that you can't afford to miss

Have you read the most interesting blog post ever? This blog post is SO full of #win. Maybe the world's greatest blog post, written by a woman who knows.  This brilliant young woman in backwoods TN is about to shut things down. You do NOT want to miss this epic blog post. You will not believe what this woman in Tennessee just did.

Here are just 3 reasons why you do not want to miss this:

1. A woman in Tennessee says the internet ISN'T making us stupid.

2. The same woman in Tennessee who said the internet isn't making us stupid has something else to say.

3. A certain woman in Tennessee believes that The Internet Really Believes that we are all stupid.

Do you believe what this woman in Tennessee just said? She said WE are smarter than the internet believes. What that means might make you spazz. This freckled, frugal woman in Tennessee just might make you think twice about internet content. I hope I'd be as courageous as this woman who thinks WE ARE THE SMARTEST creatures ever.

Ever think about whether snails ever cry? Forget it. Listen to this woman in her thirties. To the Internet Who Curates Its Content: this woman thinks You're Dumb.

Here are a few things to remember if you ever run into this woman in Tennessee who thinks Internet Curation is Lame:

1. Internet curation isn't All Wrong. It's just the part about Headline Marketing.

2. Headline Marketing? Never heard of it? This woman in Tennessee says, You can't afford NOT to!

3. That woman in Tennessee is Plain Tired of Headline Marketing.

4. Headlines don't always have to use numbers and superlatives, says a woman in Tennessee!

5. Tennessee Internet Woman says sometimes stories need no qualification.

6. Caffeinating the headlines doesn't make for a better story!!!!!! says a woman in Tennessee.

That woman might have gotten a little TOO real for the internet. That is ONE story you will NOT see on the 6 o'clock news. Woman in Tennessee: 'I know I have homicidal feelings toward Headline Marketing.'

But that's not all she says.  She says she thinks this content curation is still evolving. Did you catch that? A Bible-thumping woman in Tennessee believes in evolution! Wait, was the prior headline just an #epic fail? Ever wondered what does evolution have to do with internet curation? A woman in Tennessee is ready to Get Real about headline marketing evolution. And she won't go away. In 10 years, we'll be glad that woman in Tennessee spoke up about that one thing that mattered.

Whatever it was.

Totes magotes share this on every social media interface you have or you will die like everyone who didn't forward the e-mail chains with the punctuation marks that formed the shape of a robot in 1998.